he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
