I faked an abortion last night.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
