Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
