I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
