she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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