and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
