Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
