my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Sext me about skeletons
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
