I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
