apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
