Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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