I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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