I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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