Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
How does it feel to date your dad?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
