I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
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one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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