Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
