There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I could make wine with my vomit
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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