I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
