Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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