So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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