Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
