Banned from zoo.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
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Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
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I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.