Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
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Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
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When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment