I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?