I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
MIDGETS
????
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Randomize
