How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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