Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
