Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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