I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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