sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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