I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
