Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
