Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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