He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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