Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
