everyone is single if you try hard enough
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
