just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
