He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
