I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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