Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
