Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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