sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
