I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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