I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He passed out mid-signature
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
