Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
What a dumb baby whore.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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