I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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