the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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