I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
