I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
