Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
