Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
