if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
