how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Randomize
