fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
