You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
