Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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