Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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