Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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