I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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