really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
